COVE'S BAY

1

Today had been an abnormally warm day for Cove’s Bay.  The mid 90’s it had been.  It was still very warm and muggy that evening walking the beach.  Maybe still around 85 if Deanna had to guess.  September was usually in the more bearable 70’s but from what Tom Thomas, the weather man from News 13 had said, a warm front was headed through.  He also said we would have one hell of a thunderstorm tonight.  Ok, he didn’t exactly say it that way, but he might as well.  The cool breeze that seemed to come often but not last long enough felt wonderful though.  It almost made the humidity tolerable.  There was no one on the beach tonight, except a young couple sitting on the sand, kissing and laughing.  Young love.  Deanna remembered when she and her husband, Derek, had met.  That was 18 years ago.  They met in high school during their senior year.  Derek was new to Cove’s Bay High.  He had moved there from a small country town about four hours away.  His father had accepted a new job in town.  Derek McBride was introduced to her by her best friend, Kelsi Rhodes’ boyfriend (back then it was Dennis Roberts).  He was tall and very handsome.  He towered over Deanna, and had the most beautiful blue eyes and dark hair.  They hit it off right away and got married right after graduation (against both of their parent’s wishes).  Even though they were young, they did do the right thing and both finished college.  Deanna was now a licensed psychologist, and Derek an accountant.  They both owned their own offices and were both successful.   The only thing missing from what seemed to be a perfect life from the outside was what Deanna longed for the most, a child.  They started trying around 6 years into their marriage, but after more than you can count negative pregnancy tests, blood tests and tears, they finally went and saw a specialist that told Deanna she would never conceive due to having a condition where her body just didn’t produce enough eggs.  The thought of never being able to have a child was very overwhelming to Deanna.  She felt like a complete failure to Derek.   He had been a wonderful husband to her and he deserved a wife that could give him children.  Their parents would never get a chance to spoil their grandchildren.  A loud thunder rumble caught Deanna mid thought.  She turned towards the ocean. This is where she seemed to spend so much time these days.  The sound of the waves, the cool breeze, and the squishy feeling of wet sand between her toes just seemed to help get her mind off of her flaw.  Except tonight.  Tonight it seemed to weighing heavy on her heart.  She knew why too.  It wasn’t the young love birds on the beach, laughing, kissing and tossing around in the sand.  Who, by the way, already left the beach because of the storm that was heading that way.  No, it was actually the new patient she had seen earlier that day.  They both had something in common.  They both longed for a child.  Jillian Rogers had come in that day to see Deanna to talk about the many miscarriages she had.  After several in just a few short years, it started taking its toll on her and she became very paranoid and completely detached from reality.  Not long after, her husband left her and that just made her paranoia worse.  Jillian explained to Deanna how the government was taking her babies from her, “Those son of a bitches are watching me!” she screamed.  Deanna actually felt sorry for her; she came in with her hair all a mess, red curls everywhere.  She smelled as if she hadn’t bathed in days and her clothes didn’t match at all.  All of a sudden, another loud thud of thunder boomed so loud it made Deanna feel like she jumped out of her skin.  Then from a distance over the beach she saw a long bolt of lightning.  She turned and ran for the car.

 

2

She arrived home about a quarter ‘til 8.  Derek still hadn’t made it home yet, which was normal for Mondays.  It had already started raining by the time Deanna made it to her car.  It was a 2012 Land Rover.  It was actually a birthday gift from Derek.  He had gone out of his way to surprise her for her 35^th birthday.   First, he took her to (what was supposed to be just them) dinner at her favorite restaurant, Big Joe’s Pizzeria, but was surprised by all their family and her best friend, Kelsi.  Deanna and Kelsi had been best friends since third grade.  She had short, curly brown hair and the greenest eyes and still looked exactly the same today, except a little heavier.  After everyone ate and had cake, Derek took Deanna by the hand and told her he had one more surprise.  He walked her to the door and told her to close her eyes.  They walked what seemed to be forever and when they finally stopped, “open your eyes!” Derek yelled excitedly.  There in front of Deanna was a brand new Land Rover.  It was black and had all the bells and whistles.  “Oh my gosh!” Deanna screamed and turned and wrapped her arms around Derek’s neck so tight he was probably about to lose consciousness.   In the back of her mind though, she had always thought he got it to keep her mind off of other matters.  By the time Deanna got home, it was raining harder than she had ever seen.  She grabbed her umbrella that she always kept under the passenger seat, opened it and ran inside. 

3

As soon as Deanna got into the house she ran upstairs to change.  She turned the light on and looked into the mirror.  Those sleepless nights she sat up crying over the child she would never have had really taken a toll on her face.  She looked older than 36 and she even seen some grays sneaking in.  She took the bobby pin out from her now soaked bun and her long, dark hair flowed down.  Her hair was getting long almost covering her breasts now.  She leaned forward to get a closer look into the mirror, her dark eyes looked so tired and the dark circles didn’t help.  She heard the door downstairs open.  “Deanna, I’m home!” she heard Derek yell.  Deanna hurried up and changed and ran downstairs.  “Hey, honey. How was your day?” she asked.  They quickly kissed.  “Long, but good, you know how Monday’s are,”  “How was yours?”  He asked while taking his wet coat off.  “Just another day of listening to everyone complain about how bad their life is,”  Deanna didn’t mean to sound so ugly about her patients, she did have some that she actually cared about, although she couldn’t tell them that.  “Well, I did have a new patient today.  She was a very paranoid lady that feels like the government is out the get her.”  Derek smirked. “Don’t laugh Derek, it’s actually a very sad situation,”   “I’m sorry babe, I shouldn’t laugh at your patient.  Tell me about her.” Derek hung his wet coat up. “Well, she has been pregnant 9 times, and lost every single one of them.  Her report states that her uterus is just too weak to support a child, but she thinks the government is drugging her and taking her babies.”  Deanna knew she was legally not supposed to talk to Derek about these things but she knew he wasn’t going to run out and shout it to the world.  “I see,” Derek came closer to Deanna, he placed his hands on her shoulders and brought her in close.  “You feel like you two share something don’t you?”  Derek’s question completely caught her off guard, yet it made sense.  “No, why do you ask that?”  But Deanna knew exactly why he had asked that.  They both would never have a child.  “Never mind.” Derek said, immediately regretting what he said.   “I’m starving! What’s for dinner?”  Deanna was actually glad he changed the subject.

4

“Good morning Holly, how does my schedule look today?” asked Deanna.  She was sweating and out of breath this morning.  The alarm clock didn’t go off and she woke up almost an hour late. “Morning Dr. McBride, it’s a full day as usual.  No cancellations but only one new patient.  You made it just in time though, you still have five minutes before your first appointment.  It’s Miss. Tankersley.  Just her normal, monthly appointment.”  Holly looked over at the check in window.  “It looks like she has already arrived.”  Holly Boatwright had been with Deanna since she opened her own office.  She was young, but very smart and Deanna trusted her very much.  “Hey, good morning Dr. McBride!”  Deanna turned around, it was Stephanie Wetz.  Stephanie was new to the office.  She just graduated from Cove’s Bay Technical College in billing and coding and was hired to help with all the billing and insurance in the office. Stephanie was actually a little older than Holly and was married with a little girl.  They were both similar in physical features.  Both were lean and had blonde hair.  Holly was a little taller though and wore glasses.  “Good morning Stephanie. How are you?”  “Doing good. Running late this morning?”  She asked smiling.  “Yea, as a matter of fact, I need to get started with my first patient.”  Miss. Tankersley was an older woman whom had a lot anxiety issues since she was a young child.  She was one of Deanna’s favorite patients, although she wasn’t sure why.  Maybe because she was like a grandma of sorts.  The 30 minute appointment seemed to fly by.   “Alright Miss. Tankersley, that’s all I have time for today.  See you next month as usual?”  Miss. Tankersley agreed, shook her hand and thanked her then walked out to make her next appointment.  The rest of the day went pretty smoothly until lunch.  Deanna ordered lunch for the office staff (she would do this on occasion to show her appreciation) and they decided on soup and sandwiches from The Sandwich Shoppe next door.  Deanna only got a few bites in and felt an overwhelming feeling of nausea run over her.  She attempted to finish her lunch and later regretted it because tasting it a second time as it came back up the way it went in didn’t taste so good.

“Alright ladies, I think that was the last patient. I’m going to head home, I am so exhausted and still not feeling so well.  Waking up late must have really messed me up.”  Deanna grabbed a hair band out of her purse while she was talking and pulled her hair up.  “Hope you feel better.”  Holly and Stephanie said, almost simultaneously.  “Thanks girls.  Try not to stay late and lock up behind you.”  On the way home, Deanna thought about stopping by the beach again.  The weather had been much better today and it was really pretty outside.  No, she couldn’t, she was really feeling that bad.  As soon as she got home she went straight to bed without eating and pretty much slept the rest of the night.  She didn’t even hear Derek come home.  She thought she vaguely remembered him trying to wake her to check on her but that could have easily been a dream.

 

5

A month went by and Deanna was still feeling so nauseated anytime she got around food or any other strong smells.  As much as she tried to hide it from Derek, she couldn’t.  She was losing weight and just not looking that great.  Then Derek asked her a question she was amazed she hadn’t thought of herself.  “Do you think you might be pregnant?”  Deanna stepped back, she never even gave it one thought she had honestly gave up ever trying again.  She thought about her periods.  Aunt Flo hadn’t come to visit in an entire month! She assumed she hadn’t even noticed because she was just so busy with work.  “I don’t know, maybe we should try a test to be sure?”  Deanna didn’t want to get her hopes up; she had done this too many times before only to have her heart broken.  However, she couldn’t help but hope it was true when she looked up at her husband’s hopeful, loving eyes.  How he wanted a child so badly.  He would never tell her that.  But he longed for a daughter more than anything.  Daddy’s little girl.  “I’ll go get it, you stay here and drink lots of water so you will be ready when I get back!” Derek was practically yelling and walking backward at the same time.  He grabbed his coat, then walked back up to Deanna and kissed her forehead.  He smelled so good.  She loved the smell of his cologne. 

It seemed like he was gone for an eternity when she finally saw his headlights of his truck pull up.  She had done what he said and drank 3 huge glasses of water.  She actually never felt the urge to go to the bathroom until just now.  Nerves maybe?  Derek ran in, not even taking his coat off.  “Hurry and go pee on the stick!” He said eagerly.  She slowly reached for the box and all the memories of before rushed back to her.  All the tears and hopelessness she had felt.  She couldn’t be pregnant.  The doctor said she would never bear a child.  “I can’t do it Derek. What if it’s negative? I couldn’t stand the pain again.”  “I have a feeling this time will be different.” Derek said, reassuringly.  He was such a good husband, so caring and did I mention handsome?  Deanna grabbed the box and walked towards the half bath downstairs.  She sat the box on the counter, looking at it like it would disappear.  She finally picked it up, read the instructions, why, she didn’t know, she had taken like a thousand of these and did the deed.  She sat it back on the sink and set the timer on her cell phone for three minutes.  She walked out of the bathroom so she wouldn’t be tempted to peek. 

The cell phone alarm finally went off and she turned to look at Derek.  He reached for Deanna’s hand.  “You know whatever the test says, I still love you.  Always.” He leaned in and kissed her forehead again.   She loved when he did that.  It made her feel safe.  They walked in and together they both looked at the test.

Deanna could feel the warm tears swell in her eyes as she and Derek checked the test and the box for what seemed like the tenth time.  “A minus means negative, a plus means positive.” Deanna read the box aloud.  It was a plus alright.  They were going to have a baby!

Deanna and Derek didn’t sleep a wink all night they were so excited.  They made the most passionate love she could even remember them ever having.  She still had worry in the back of her mind though.  What if it was a false positive?  She would definitely take a second test, behind Derek’s back, of course, tomorrow.  They did decide that they wouldn’t tell anyone until after her first doctor’s appointment to make sure everything was ok with the baby.

6

Three months had gone by since Deanna first found out she was having a baby.  Everything was going better than expected.  She did take the secretive second test the next day.  It came back positive.  She went to her first appointment and found out that she was actually eight weeks along.  How could she not have known?  She and Derek were so excited they already had a list of names for the baby, although they still couldn’t agree on just one they at least narrowed it down to two each.  If it was a boy they liked Chase or Jacob and if it was a girl they liked Presley or Lilly.  They bought a few neutral toned items and things like diapers and bottles.  They just couldn’t help themselves.  Deanna was even starting to show.  She even thought she felt the baby kick her last night.  Today she had a few patients to see then she had the appointment she never thought she’d have.  They were going to find out the gender of the baby today.

“Holly, who’s on my schedule today that I should know about?”  Holly glanced at the schedule and turned towards Deanna.  “Well, that paranoid lady is.  Remember? The one who had all the miscarriages?  Jillian Rogers is her name.”  Yea, Deanna knew exactly who she was talking about.  She had actually seen her a couple of times since finding out and felt so bad for her.  She had been in her place at one point, albeit she had never miscarried or went paranoid.  The patients she felt like she was closer to and could tell, like Miss. Tankersley, she told the great news to and some could see it for themselves the further she got along, but she couldn’t tell Ms. Rogers her news.  Nor was she obligated to.  She just hoped that she wouldn’t notice today since she was showing more than before. 

“Hi Jillian, how are you today?”  Deanna asked her patient who just seemed spaced out today looking around the room.  Her hair was still a mess and today her shoes didn’t match.  “Where are the wires?  I know there are wires in here Dr. McBride.  You know the government is watching me.  I’m not safe in my own house anymore.  You know they made my husband leave me.  He said he couldn’t handle me being so paranoid, but I know they talked him into leaving.”  Jillian started taking her jacket off and very quietly whispered to Deanna, “I think they have bugged my clothing Dr. McBride.  They think I’m dumb, but I know they have.”  Then she yelled as loud as she could into the jacket, “give me my babies back you jackasses! I know you have them! Give me back my babies! They don’t deserve this!”  Deanna quickly jumped in, “Ms. Rogers, my room is not bugged, and I don’t think your clothes are either.  It was unfortunate you lost….”  “Unfortunate what Dr. McBride? That I lost my babies? No, see they have you fooled too. Or are you one of them?”  “No, Ms. Rogers, I am not one of them and yes it is unfortunate you lost your babies in such a way that you did.  That’s why you are here today so we can talk about it,”  “Well, I see you got yourself knocked up too, eh? You better watch out for them, they might try to take your baby too.”  Jillian Rogers was staring at Deanna’s growing belly.  Deanna felt a cold chill wash over her.  She had hoped Ms. Rogers wouldn’t notice.  “Yes Ms. Rogers, I am with child, but no, the government is not out to get my child, nor were they out for yours.  Unfortunately, your body just could not support the weight of a baby. ” Ms. Rogers let out a grunt, “that’s what they want you to think Dr. McBride.”  Deanna looked at the clock on the wall, her time was up and Deanna couldn’t help but feel a wave of relief.  Her patient was making her feel more uncomfortable than usual.  “Well, Ms. Rogers, our time is up and feel like we didn’t accomplish much today.  Come back and see me in a month.”

The rest of the appointments went a little better and it was finally time for Deanna to leave for her doctor’s appointment.  “Don’t forget to call us and let us know when you find out!” yelled Stephanie as she was leaving.  “Don’t worry girls, I will!”  Deanna called back, still feeling uneasy from the earlier appointment.

When Deanna arrived to her doctor’s appointment, Derek was already there waiting on her in the parking lot.  When he seen her pull up he got out and met her at the steps of the doctor’s office.  They hugged and kissed.  “Well, today’s the day, are you ready?” Deanna asked Derek, knowing the answer.  “Ready as I’ll ever be.” He replied. 

They walked in and Deanna signed in.  They sat down in the only two chairs left in the waiting room.  “I hope we don’t have a long wait,” Deanna said nervously “who would’ve known that we would ever be here, waiting to find out the sex of our baby.”  Derek smiled, he was just as nervous.  Deanna could see the beads of sweat forming on his forehead.  His hands were sweaty too.  After waiting for about 45 minutes, she finally heard the nurse call her name.  They walked back to the sonogram room.  “The sonographer will get some pictures and tell you the sex of the baby if you wish, then you will see the doctor afterward.” The nurse smiled and the sonographer introduced herself as Lucy.  She instructed Deanna to lie back on the table.  The exam was a little uncomfortable, and even though Deanna was extremely anxious to make sure the baby was ok and nothing looked wrong, she couldn’t deny her excitement to find out the sex of the baby.  Finally, when they were almost done, and Deanna was reassured everything looked great with the baby, Lucy asked if they wanted to know they sex of their little baby.  “Yes!” Deanna said, almost screaming it.  She turned to Derek, who was holding her hand.  He was squeezing it now, almost hurting her hand, but Deanna didn’t care she was just so happy to be able to give Derek the baby he always wanted.  Lucy smiled, did some more moving around and finally made a little white circle on the picture, outlining what Deanna knew was either going to be the little “tee tee” or “wee wee”.  Congratulations you two, you are having a baby girl!  Deanna and Derek looked at each other both smiling ear to ear.  Derek bent down and kissed his beautiful wife on the lips and rubbed Deanna’s tummy where his baby girl was.  “We couldn’t be happier.” Deanna said. 

The McBride’s celebrated by going out to dinner and stopping by GO GO Baby on the way home.  They purchased some cute little pink outfits and dresses and little booties so cute you could just eat them up.  When they finally got home, Deanna fell back on the couch.  She was getting more and more exhausted these days.  Derek sat beside her and put his arm around her neck.  “I just want you to know that even if this never happened, and you still weren’t able to have a baby that I love you Deanna, with all my heart. I am and always have been so in love with you.”  He rubbed her belly bump that seemed to be getting bigger by the minute.  “And I love this little girl we made.  I know she will be just as beautiful as her mama.”  Derek had always been loving and supportive, but tonight Deanna felt like she was seeing another side.  She could even see his beautiful blue eyes tearing up, but not from disappointment this time, no, from joy.  “I love you too Derek, God couldn’t have blessed me with a more perfect husband.”  And she meant that. 

7

“Hey, little mama! Are you ready for your baby shower today?”  Kelsi came running through the door.  She had been planning this day from the time Deanna told her about the pregnancy. Deanna was so thankful for Kelsi. Knowing someone since third grade was a long time, and most friends drifted apart over time. She was divorced now and had a two year old son from her marriage.  She was always there for Deanna throughout her heartbreak and now that she was finally pregnant, Kelsi wanted to help with anything that she could.  “I am.  I still can’t believe that this is for me and not for someone else. I just never thought I’d…” Deanna had to stop.  “Awe, its ok sweetie. Well, it is for you and little Lilly too!”  Kelsi rubbed Deanna’s huge belly.  She was finally eight months along and couldn’t have asked for a more wonderful pregnancy.  It was a miracle really.  “Who all is coming?” Deanna had left all the inviting up to Kelsi.  “Well, your mom and mother in law, Holly and Stephanie from your office, Julie and Carrie from down the street and your aunt Carol. I also invited a few ladies from church.” 

The baby shower went great.  Deanna received more gifts than she thought she’d ever even use.  She thanked everybody.  Kelsi stayed a little longer to help her clean up the mess.  Bending down had become a joke these days.  “I’m so happy for you and Derek, Deanna. I know this is what you two have wanted for so long. I’m glad we are friends and I love you.”  “I love you too Kels, and thanks for helping me arrange all this. I couldn’t do it without you.”  They both smiled holding back tears and once everything was clean, Kelsi had to go pick up her little man from his daddy’s house.  It was still early, and Derek wouldn’t be back for another couple of hours (he went out with his father since the ladies would be at the shower) so she decided she would take a trip to the beach.  She hadn’t been since almost 9 months ago! She couldn’t believe it had been that long.  She use to go almost daily.  It was the only thing that helped her and now that she was finally with child, she had completely abandoned it.  

It was the end of May so Deanna hoped the beach wouldn’t be too crowded.  She just wanted to be able to sit on the sand and watch the waves and tell her baby about the place where she would visit frequently to pray for her.  Deanna called Derek on his phone to let him know where she was going in case he came home early.  “Just be careful babe. Don’t trip in the sand!”  “I won’t silly, see you soon. Love you.”

There were only a few people on the beach that day, an older man playing fetch with his overgrown dog, a group of teenagers listening to the radio, a younger couple taking a jog and a family with their own little girl.  Deanna couldn’t wait to hold her own little girl in her arms and tell her how much she loved her and how much of a miracle she really was.  She found a spot on the sand and slowly sat down. Her growing tummy had really affected her balance.  It was warm, but not too warm and Deanna could feel the cool mist hit her face every time a wave crashed.  She looked down at her ever growing belly and rubbed it.  “This is the beach, and when you are old enough, I promise to bring you here as often as I can.” She looked up at the waves.  It was so beautiful.  She remembered growing up and being so thankful and lucky she was to be able to actually live at the beach.  She never could really understand people who didn’t care for it. 

It was starting to get late Deanna could tell the sun was starting to go down.  She probably needed to start heading home, Derek would be there soon if not already and she needed to fix dinner.  After several tries, she was able to finally get herself up off the sand.  She giggled at herself.  She swiped the sand of her bottom and hands and turned around.  She gasped, she couldn’t believe who was standing right in front of her.

8

“Ms. Rogers, how are you?” Deanna seemed to manage out.  “I’m doing fine Dr. McBride, and soon I’ll be even better.”  “What do you mean Jillian? What’s going on?”  Deanna was starting to get a very unsettling feeling.  Jillian Rogers was crazy, that was no secret and if she tried anything, she doubted she could get her full figured body away fast enough in the beach sand.  “I figured it out Dr. McBride. I figured it all out. And seeing you here only confirmed it for me.  The government, see, they felt so bad for taking all my babies that they impregnated you with a baby for me. That baby you are carrying, that’s my baby.”  Jillian started to walk closer towards Deanna.  “No Jillian this is my baby.  The government is not trying to contact you or watch you or whatever the fuck you think! This is my baby. Mine and my husband’s baby.  You need help Jillian. Stop, and let me call you an ambulance and get you to the hospital so you can get help.  Don’t do anything you are going to regret.”  “No Dr. McBride, you are mistaken, they just didn’t want you to know, but they told me everything in my dream last night.  That’s my baby.” Jillian seemed to be walking faster towards Deanna. The last thing Deanna remembers was the shine from the huge butcher knife coming towards her and thinking, I’m going to die and she’s going to take my baby.   

 

9

“She’s waking up! Nurse! Get in here, she’s waking up!”  Deanna could hear Derek screaming as she started to wake up from what seemed to be a horrible nightmare.  She was so sore and could barely move.  “Derek? Derek what happened?” In a panic, she looked down for her baby and wished she never had. Her once large baby bump was now nothing but flat stomach.  “Derek, where’s the baby? Is she ok? Oh God, where is our baby?”  Deanna could feel herself starting to lose control.  She wanted her baby.  All she could remember was Jillian approaching her with a huge knife before everything went dark.  “Where’s our baby, Derek?” she shouted “Oh God, did she get Lilly? Did she take the baby from us? Where is Lilly? Is she in the nursery? Derek, please tell me the baby is ok and is in the nursery!”  Derek grabbed her hand.  His eyes swelled and tears started falling down his cheeks.  She knew what was coming but didn’t want to know.  “Deanna, your patient tried to kill you.  She was trying to take the baby; it’s a miracle that you even are alive.  A man down on the beach with his dog saw her approach you and was able to stop her before she killed you. There was nothing they could do for Lilly, you were stabbed several times and lost a lot of blood she was already gone before help could arrive. She’s gone Deanna! Gone. My baby girl, she’s gone.” He couldn’t even finish, he fell down to the floor on his knees.  Deanna was in shock she didn’t know what to do, “No, I don’t believe it!  Why would you say these things to me Derek?  Where’s Lilly, where’s my baby girl?”  Why would Derek lie to her like this?  This was all just a bad nightmare and she just wanted to wake up.  She had just fallen asleep on the beach.  All of this was just a dream, a very bad, bad dream.  Two nurses walked in and immediately ran up to Deanna.  “Deanna, you are going to have to calm down.  You were hurt badly and if you don’t calm down you are going to hurt yourself worse than you are,” the nurse's name tag said, Sandy.  She was older and the years of nursing had taken its toll on her face.  “Jenny is going to give you some medicine to help you rest.  You need to rest as much as you can Deanna.”  Jenny reached over with a small cup of pills.  “I don’t want to rest damnit! I want my baby!”  Deanna was screaming at this point.  She could feel the stitches in her chest pulling as she screamed and moved around.  She knocked the cup of pills over.  “Mrs. McBride, if you don’t cooperate and take these pills then I’m going to be forced to hold you down and inject you with some medicine.”   “Deanna, please take the medicine, you need to rest.  I can’t take something happening to you too,”  Derek went over and grabbed Deanna’s hand.  “Derek, our baby is gone and she is never coming back.  It’s all my fault. I should have never left the house.  It’s all my fault.” Derek leaned over and about that time nurse Sandy injected her arm with something that made her dizzy at once.  “Derek, I’m so sorry...”  The next thing she knew, she was asleep.

Deanna woke up a few hours later.  It was getting dark outside.  “Deanna?” Derek called.  He got up and walked over to her.  She burst into tears.  “Why did this happen to us Derek? We waited so long and were so close and she, she took that from us!”  She sobbed loudly.  “Did they catch her?”  Derek sat next to Deanna on the hard hospital bed.  “The police arrested her.  They took her down to Cove’s Bay Mental Hospital.  Nurse Jenny walked in, “Mrs. McBride, the police have some questions for you.” 

The police asked a few questions that Deanna could barely even remember most of.  She was still in complete shock.  She wasn’t able to sleep without the nurse giving her a shot of whatever that was and she was pretty sure Derek didn’t sleep at all.  He stayed with her the entire week she was in the hospital but they didn’t talk much, when she was awake in between her long drug induced sleep Derek would ask how she was feeling or if she was hungry but that was about it and after what just happened she didn’t seem to have much of an appetite lately.  She couldn’t shake the feeling that he blamed her for what happened.

10

Deanna had to get numerous staples and stiches in several places.  Jillian Rogers had stabbed her in so many different places around her body, mainly in her stomach.  It was so bad Deanna had to have a hysterectomy.  She’d really never be able to have kids now.  This made her fall into a deep depression.  She was missing so much work but she couldn’t even deal with her situation more or less someone else’s.  She cancelled all her appointments at work not knowing if she’d ever go back, that also meant she had to let Holly and Stephanie go.  Deanna had been a therapist for so long, telling people how and what to do for these types of situations and now that it was her, she was at a loss.  Things between her and Derek never seemed to be the same either.  They barely talked, or ate dinner together.  Derek seemed to work a lot of overtime so by the time he got home Deanna would already be asleep.  Deanna seemed to come to terms with this, although it did upset her they had been together and so in love for so long.  He even loved her when he thought they’d never have a baby.  Funny how something like losing a child could change all that, you’d think it would bring you closer.  She knew deep down that he blamed her.  She hadn’t just lost her baby, she had lost her husband too.  Kelsi came to visit often on her friend, to make sure everything was going ok and help with some laundry and cleaning.  “Deanna, I know you may not think you need to, but I think it would be a good idea for you to see a therapist.”  Kelsi looked at Deanna with reassuring eyes.  “I can’t Kels, I mean, a psychiatrist seeing a psychiatrist?  I already know what they are going to say to me.  There’s no point.”  “But I just think you would feel better if you had someone to talk to.  At least consider it.”  And Deanna did, but she just didn’t feel like she could. 

Jillian Rogers got committed to Cove’s Bay mental hospital and it doesn’t look like she will be released anytime soon.  She wouldn’t have to serve any jail time for “reason of insanity” but at least she was where she needed to be.   

The more time went by, Deanna thought she would slowly get over it but it never got easier.  The nightmares just never seemed to go away.  She would dream of Jillian approaching her at the beach, taking her baby while she was still awake and running away with her, or there was the one where she could hear her baby crying in the casket while she was being lowered into the ground at the funeral.  She’d scream, “Stop she’s alive!” But they wouldn’t stop and she watched as the casket got buried with dirt as she heard her baby screaming.  That one was the worst, she would wake up screaming and wet from the tears and sweat.  Why was this happening to her? She missed her baby girl so much and was robbed of the chance to ever meet her.  Derek was still estranged and was taking the loss just as badly as she was.  He never admitted to the fact that he blamed her but he didn’t have to, she could see it in his eyes.  She wanted things to be like they use to be, when he would come home from work and kiss her forehead or run his fingers through her hair while they watched a movie or just make love.  They hadn’t been intimate since the accident.  After all this time, they were both still too fragile to talk about it.

11

It had been a year to the day that Deanna and Derek had lost their baby.  A lot had happened since then.  Derek left, admitting that he could no longer look at Deanna without thinking about the baby.  It was just too hard, he said.  Deanna started losing touch with reality and moved in with her parents.  She stayed in bed from sun up to sun down and lost track of the day and time.  She would go days without showering or even eating and her parents were very concerned.  They tried to contact Derek but he said he couldn’t help.  He was trying to move on. 

One day, Deanna’s parents left the house to visit some friends once she knew they were gone she got up and went into their bathroom.  She had begun hearing voices and they were telling her that she didn’t deserve her baby or Derek and that is why she lost both.  They would tell her that she didn’t deserve to live and that she just needed to end it now.  She had tried to shake the voices, but they had become so prominent that she couldn’t anymore.  She reached for the medicine cabinet and sitting there were a box of razorblades for her dad’s razor.  She opened the box and carefully removed one. Even though she was scared, she knew if she ever wanted peace from all the hurt and the voices that this is what she had to do.  It was easy.  She knew the right way, because she had to learn in school.  As a psychiatrist you had to know the difference in someone just trying to get attention from someone that meant business.  And she meant business. Oh how easy would it be to just end all the pain she was feeling.  At that moment she wished that Jillian would have killed her too.  All the nights she woke up screaming for her baby, she wouldn’t have to do that anymore.  The memories of how in love she and Derek were, she could forget.  She looked at the razor and examined it for a minute then walked over to the bathtub she sat it down then turned the water on and made sure it was nice and warm.  She undressed and looked into the mirror.  She was getting gray hair.  The bags under her eyes were darker than ever.  She didn’t recognize the person she was looking at.  “Hurry up and get it over with!”  The voices were starting again.  She closed her eyes and took a deep breath then walked over to the tub.  She hadn’t even left a note.  Should she?  No. She wanted to get it over with before she changed her mind.  She stepped into the tub and laid back.  She looked down and all her scars.  They were so ugly but from what the voices told her, she deserved every one.  She picked up the razor blade and looked at it again.  She was scared, she couldn’t deny that but she just couldn’t shake the voices away.  She held it up to her wrist and slid it across as deep as she could stand it.  It hurt like hell but the endorphins swept over her and without hesitation she cut the other wrist.  It wasn’t long before everything became black and she slipped away.

“Deanna! Deanna!”  She could faintly hear her mother calling her name but she couldn’t wake up.  “Deanna, please wake up!  Oh God, Dan call an ambulance!”

20

Deanna’s mother found her just in time and she was able to receive medical care before it was too late.  She ended up confessing that she was hearing voices and the doctors related it to all the stress that she had been through from losing her baby and husband.  Although Deanna wanted to go home, the doctor said he didn’t think that would be a good idea and felt like she would try to harm herself again.  He felt like she needed to stay somewhere until she could come to terms with her situation.  This wasn’t going to be an overnight fix and said she needed to stay somewhere that could watch her 24 hours.  Deanna’s parents agreed.  They were getting older and felt like they couldn’t provide the care she needed.    

The next day the nurse escorted Deanna to an ambulance.  “Please, just let me go home.  I promise I won’t try to hurt myself anymore.”  Deanna tried to sound convincing but she wasn’t sure if she even trusted herself.  “I’m sorry Deanna, but this is doctor’s orders and right now I don’t think you are in any condition to make decisions for yourself.”  Deanna shook her head, why fight?  She had lost everything else and lived through two, what should have been death wishes.   She climbed into the ambulance.  “Where are you taking me?” Deanna asked, why hadn’t she asked that before?  Her parents had to know where she going.  Why hadn’t they told her?  “Just sit back ma’am.  We will be there shortly.” 

About 15 minutes later, they approached the building Deanna would be staying at.  The sign said, Cove’s Bay Mental Hospital.  “No! No! I can’t come here….”